Poor soul, the centre of my sinful earth, [ ] these rebel powers that thee array; Why dost thou pine within and suffer dearth, Painting thy outward walls so costly gay? Why so large cost, having so short a lease, Dost thou upon thy fading mansion spend? Shall worms, inheritors of this excess, Eat up thy charge? is this thy body's end? Then soul, live thou upon thy servant's loss, And let that pine to aggravate thy store; Buy terms divine in selling hours of dross; Within be fed, without be rich no more: So shalt thou feed on Death, that feeds on men, And Death once dead, there's no more dying then.
how would you know the brilliance of light were it not for the depths of the darkness?
..
shadows dance about the light, like patient bodyguards they guard it as a jealous lover would the object of their affection.
...
darkness never knew how happy it was until it saw the dawning of light.
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the dark covers all that is grotesque.
the ugly.
the decadent.
the clandestine.
the covert.
such things within human nature are hidden in the forgotten folds of our subconscious. hidden, but not forgotten. always, they ripple under the surface.
the burning righteousness of light reveals them all. where are they then to go?
within the great scheme of things everything is hung in intricate balance. for every joy there is a sorrow. for every tinkling laughter a desperate cry rings out into the cruel night.
when you are in the light there is nothing else to look forward to but the dark. when cloaked in darkness there is always hope. hope that a slither of light would break through the gloaming and elucidate that which has been hidden for the longest time.
i am in darkness as a fish is in water. i do not desire it so much as it is part of my mortal existence.
yet against all advice i hope.
isnt it the happy heart that breaks? for it is only the hopeful heart which turns cynical; the greater the hope the greater the disappointment........................
just as what is said may not be as important as what is left unsaid, what is negative could be revelled in because it glorifies the positive...............
the monotonous click clicking of the film strip as it runs over the speeding wheels echoes in the small smoke filled room.
the beam of light forms a bridge from the projection room to the screen, clasped in a symbiotic grip
over and over the images flicker in slow motion, as if time is suspended. a 30fpm film played at 24fpm.
i begin to hum along with the soundtrack as it slowly grows stale
the song fades like the light on the screen as the scene closes.
surely theres more?
the darkness persists, like the memory of the show.
permanently burned into my mind like how it is etched into the cellulose strips.
its the end of the show. theres nothing left to see. you can all go home now. thanks for coming.
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the man with no eyes says he sees a million shattered dreams...."they threw us all in a trench and stuck a monument on top" he says. he says that the end is coming and that we should all repent. "never let them take that away from you!" he blindly shakes his fist into the endless emptiness he cannot see.
i walk on to the echoes of his frantic rantings. "the seas will swallow us whole! whether or not we decide to fly!"
i throw him some change. he grabs at it eagerly, immediately stuffing it into the many folds of his shirt below. i pull my coat in closer about me, keeping the harsh winter out. i should have worn something warmer.
i see children running and laughing, chasing each other around the benches. its never too cold to play. their shouts and squeals of delight colour the air as surely as the steam from their mouths fill it.
i look at couples walking linked at the arms, whispering into each others ears and sharing secret little giggles.
i walk by a restaurant filled with people, all warm and toasty inside. rosy and heady from drink, they smile too much and laugh too loudly. i wonder how many of them are zipped too tightly into their human suit?
i pause to look at a girl sitting by herself in the corner, a point of light glowing at the end of her finger tips. she takes another puff and notices me. she smiles. i smile back. she tilts her head in invitation. i tip my hat, smile again, and walk off.
its getting colder. im here. where are you? butteflies start churning my insides, bursting to get out. for some strange reason i feel gutted.
would you make it? or would it be like the last time?
tired of walking i sit down on the street bench, watching the buses drive by. they ignore me, an apparition in white on a white street breathing white fumes.
tired, i close my eyes as i wait.
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"Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man."
Lilacs blossom just as sweet Now my heart is shattered. If I bowled it down the street, Who's to say it mattered? If there's one that rode away What would I be missing? Lips that taste of tears, they say, Are the best for kissing.
Eyes that watch the morning star Seem a little brighter; Arms held out to darkness are Usually whiter. Shall I bar the strolling guest, Bind my brow with willow, When, they say, the empty breast Is the softer pillow?
That a heart falls tinkling down, Never think it ceases. Every likely lad in town Gathers up the pieces. If there's one gone whistling by Would I let it grieve me? Let him wonder if I lie; Let him half believe me.
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i wonder where broken dreams go to die
where shattered hearts get chucked and new ones put in.
where the flotsam of memory get skimmed off to
where idealism gets traded in for cynicism
where would this be done?
in a small little store by the corner of the street called life.
as twisted as it may sound, i am rather glad sometimes that because i come home so late from work at night i have to take a cab home. this lets me avoid the painful trek from the train station to the bus interchange.
its not painful because of the distance, nor is it because it is not an airconditioned linkway. the pain comes from being accosted by innumerable salespeople who seem to all want "just a moment of your time, sir". it's just too bad that i would be too tired and in such ill humour that i wouldnt entertain even a slight infraction into my personal time and space.
tough.
i didnt use to be this way. have i finally learnt how to say "no"?
here i am sitting in front of the computer at 1.28am, having just come home about half an hour ago.
i want to write but my eyes can hardly stay open and my mind has started to wander off and is ignoring my pleas to come back. maybe i havent let it out for a walk for too long.
i am sitting here wondering why i am still awake when it has been a long day.
i am tired and yet i cannot bring myself to sleep. why do i torture myself so?
the scary thing is i dont know what i did all day. all i seem to have on my mind is what i didnt do, and what needs to be done.
there is a dull throbbing underneath my collar bone slightly to the left. i think its where my heart used to be.
one of the things i love about my neighbourhood is that it is so quiet most of the time. you would imagine you could hear a pin drop. the tranquility is only broken by the occasional vehicle driving past, and you can hear it clearly as it shifts gear to round the bend.
there are no night noises that i can hear.
the only sound besides my breathing is the loud hum of the cpu and the whirring whine of the fan blowing into my face.
maybe i should turn the damned thing off.
i realise that this is a long rambling and utterly pointless entry. somehow, it is rather appropriate as a reflection of what i am going through right now.
something long, rambling and utterly pointless.
everyday is a dreary trudge.
i know all that jazz about personal empowerment and taking control. i would probably agree with you on a good day.
but today, right now, as my lunar birthday passes, i sit here and reflect, albeit in a semi comatose state of mind, about my past, my present and my future.
and they all look back at me, blank faced.
i see nothing and i feel nothing.
the power of a strong will to impose control and repress emotion.
i wonder how much more before i crack for real? Only God knows.
like here, for instance. im not exactly sure how i ever got to find this place......but when i get the cash i would LOVE to go and visit.
i just want to run away and stay somewhere where i can see the stars at night and commune with the moon.....where the horizon isnt made of concrete and the madding crowd consists of animals of the four legged persuasion.
the trees around my house are in full bloom. the air is filled with the fragrance of nature, and none may enter without feeling that strange connectedness we sometimes feel with the Earth Mother (if such a thing existed).
it is a rich blessing to be able to enjoy such a treat. i've seen old men and ladies with home made implements, picking at the blossoms, spiriting them away so they may partake of them in the privacy of their own domain.
i've seen taxi drivers interrupt their daily schedules, parking their cars by the side of the road so that they may transplant the fragrance into their cars; so that their passengers may enjoy it with them.
a rich blessing indeed to be in such bounty. God is good.
=================================================
going to the market has always been an enjoyable thing for me, save the bit where we have to lug all the shopping back. i'm often laden with the heaviest of bags, being the workhorse of the family. the fingers always end up red and semi numb, but i guess the satisfaction comes from knowing that i spared my mum the same or even greater pain.
in the market you see a myriad of people. its always amazing for me to realise the spectrum of humanity we have on this earth. peeves notwithstanding, it is still an interesting journey to and from the market.
you see the more elderly ladies jostling to get what they want weighed and priced. loud voices haggle over prices the noise rising into the air and joining the hum of life ambient in the entire area. friendly banter from friends who meet while doing their shopping join the fray.
i am always struck by the humanity of it all. the colours. the smells. it permeates ones entire being and you become part of the cacophony whether you like it or not.
eating my breakfast i remarked to my mum how tired i was living in the city, and although i've never lived in a small village before, would love to experience it for a while.
looking thoughtful for a moment, my mum looked at me and replied "where would such a place exist in this day and age? there arent any kampongs here anymore..."
i told her we could always head north and make like the locals. we both shrugged and then were distracted once more by our breakfast.
i miss hurtling down the highway at 120kph, with the wind roaring in my ears and tugging at my hair.
i miss looking into the seemingly endless row of street lamps ahead and feeling as if i could take a slip road and get onto the express lane to forever.
i miss looking at the moon and wondering how many people were in the same communion as i was.
i miss having the company of someone i could speak to about anything and everything.
i miss these things.
like the deserts miss the rain.
and even though things havent changed and the places are the same, i realise..sometimes with regret, that the only thing that has changed....
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.
Your #2 Match: INTP
The Thinker
You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.
You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.
Your #3 Match: INFJ
The Protector
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.
