sunset
Posted by mandrake at 10:41 PM on January 12, 2010.
so. its like i'm trapped behind a window, bound and not being able to speak; or if i do speak what i say isnt really what i want to.
so its like my eyes are pried open with a pair of scissors, cutting them as they are kept open, with blood running onto my corneas and stinging them as it does.
so its like im seeing my world fall apart and yet i cannot help but just watch.
so its like tearing at the walls to get out but theres nothing i can do and i scratch at the walls until my nails fall off and i am painting vertical patterns on the walls with my blood.
so its like screaming until my voice gets hoarse and screaming somemore until i taste the iron on my tongue.
so its like knocking my head against the wall until wet noises become the only thing i hear and the wall becomes stained.
so its like tearing at my face out of frustration and not stopping until i begin to peel off
so its like.
so.
its
like.
awake, not sleeping
Posted by mandrake at 10:50 PM on December 27, 2009.
it has been happening to be recently.
creeping up on me, when i didnt realise it.
i've been staying up late at night, sometimes after i say i want to go to sleep and then not sleeping.
i flip through my comics like tv channels, and flip through tv channels like i flip through my comics.
books need to be respected, and when my mind isnt in the mood i do not read at night.
so i sit there, in the dead of night, waiting for it to creep up on me once more. it always does, and never fails. it covers everything like a thick thick fudge. warm. comforting.
i wonder why i keep awake at night, knowing i need the sleep and yet not sleeping. S will kill me when she finds out, but its the truth.
perhaps i keep from sleeping because i don't want to wake up to another day. Am i afraid? Is it another day in the grind? An existence that for some reason i am either not ready for or am not willing to become ready for. Am i just sad about losing the day? Once i lay my head down it is lights out and the next morning always comes too quickly, accompanied by the familiar droning tune blaring out from my handphone.
my nights have become predictable and boring when i need to work late. there is this deep sense of loss within my stomach, and i feel it so strongly. perhaps this is the fuel that keeps my eyelids from closing over the tired orbs that dart around, trying to find something interesting to focus on.
so what am i pensive about? am i worried about work? about family?
the questions never cease.
sleeping awake
Posted by mandrake at 03:12 PM on December 26, 2009.
its a nightmare that i have just woken up from, the dark slimy shapes slinking away into the corners of my life that have not seen light since the dawn of my existence.
im glad that i am waking up from it, but the many years of silence and stillness have allowed a web of roots to constrict me.
much have i to do in order to rid myself of this vexing dream, which would not only affect myself right now but would also affect others around me.
the stranglehold of the thick binding tendrils of yesteryear are tough to break. I would need all the help i can get from my Rock, my Shield and Strength.
Im just glad that i am not alone, and that as i break free from these binding chains i emerge victorious and worth the while.
delta
Posted by mandrake at 11:07 PM on December 7, 2009.
looking back, i cannot recognise myself.
i have stopped
1) going to bookstores and music stores on weekends on a consumerist warpath, determined to staunch the gaping chasm in my soul with merchandise.
2) sitting in front of the computer all day and all night (the privilege of a student)..its now just sitting in front of the computer all day and all night. (the monotony of work)
3) spilling my angsty innards onto this virtual wall...its now just innards.
woo wee.
Sermonitis
Posted by mandrake at 07:39 PM on December 6, 2009.
Sermonitis is a condition which afflicts christians in church. The victim, when near or is exposed to any form of exposition from the pulpit, would fall into a mysterious and prolonged comatose state, waking up only occasionally to turn the page on their bible.
S is one such victim.she complains of dizziness and heavy eyelids and yawns until a mysterious clear liquid from her eyes trickles down her cheeks. in her catatonic state during the sermon she only responded to occasional pokes from me and the regular pinch with a flinch.
when queried about her state after the sermon, she responded with a non-chalant "what dizziness?".........
so ends this medical report.